Loyalty, pt. 2

A story.

When I was younger, I took a job with a horrible boss. There wasn’t a lot of oversight in those days (that has, happily, changed) and my boss basically got to do whatever they wanted. This person was a master at taking the truth and twisting it to suit their own ends. I’ve always been pretty adept at seeing straight through such things and I saw through this. For years, I attempted to sound the alarm in both our local community and through the organization we worked for. And something really strange and unexpected happened to me.

Those who claimed to share my values and vision for organizations like mine silenced me. They asked me questions and made statements that were indirect, but clear as day to me: we don’t tolerate the questioning of this person here. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t question authority or intention- be charitable. That last part, “be charitable” is a direct quote. And I still have a physical reaction to it when I think about this scenario.

I wasn’t trying to be uncharitable. I wasn’t trying to rock the boat. I was asking questions and pointing out some unhealthy behaviors and exploitations of others. I was trying to untangle the truth from all of the lies. I’m not saying that I was perfect or gentle or absolutely blameless in everything that I did, but my primary and core motivation was justice and bringing the truth to light.

And yet. I was silenced. I wasn’t allowed to speak and was constantly afraid of sharing too much for fear of one more person being against me and writing me off. It was isolating. It was abusive. It was wrong.

And it was all fueled by loyalty. 

Loyalty to someone people thought they knew. Loyalty to a set of ideas and a portrayed reality inconsistent with the real world. Loyalty to, for all intents and purposes, someone who didn’t exist.

The people that I tried to sound the alarm with, they were blinded by their loyalty. It had turned sour and they were unable to entertain the idea that their perception of someone they dearly loved might be flawed or skewed. They were unwilling to accept that others might have a different experience with this person than they did. But they weren’t even really loyal to this person- they were loyal to their idea of how things should be. Nobody should rock the boat or ask difficult questions or refuse to take the goodness of their system for granted. Everyone in their group should conform to their lifestyle and standards because it worked for them, after all, and it wasn’t bad. 

Their loyalty had become corrosive because they assumed that anyone who questioned it was a threat, rather than a window into a different way of seeing the world.

An alternative.

What if, when I asked my questions and shared my experience and made my statements, I was met with surprise, but not reprimand? What if, instead of silencing me, these people asked a few questions in their turn and tried to get to the bottom of what was really going on? What if, when they realized that what I was saying had merit, though I was being a bit aggressive, they validated my statements and helped me deliver them better? 

What if they went and had a conversation with their friend that they were trying to be loyal to? What if they didn’t assume that they were right about their friend? What if they really gave credence to my complaints and followed up in an unbiased manner? What if they took what I told them and paid more attention and tried to see things as I did?

Well, I’d probably have some friends. I’d probably have had a lot less suffering over the past ten years. The person responsible for much of my exploitation would not have been allowed to continue and maybe, just maybe, they would have grown and changed and been more of who they were made to be.

But, alas, we let our loyalties, just like all our other affections, run about unchecked, unrefined, unexamined and we harm ourselves and everyone around us in one way or another.

Let me take a hard turn here: What are you loyal to? What things or (hopefully) people do you show up for over and over again? What are you committed to, no matter what?

Commitment isn’t loyalty, but I think the two are related. Both have suffered severely in our culture. Don’t believe me? How many of you or your parents are divorced, not because someone was unfaithful or abusive, but because both parties just couldn’t get along? How many jobs have you or your friends quit because you found them boring or you didn’t like the “vibe”? We have so many options on our store shelves and in our lives that when we don’t like something, rather than trying to find a way to make it work, we just give up on it. We’re rarely loyal to a brand of juice, much less to a relationship.

And what about the virtual world? You can craft your own echo-chamber on social media (if you doubt me on this one, I’d seriously encourage you to do some research on algorithms and how those programs are designed. For real, do it and you, too, will delete everything and want to throw your phone in a lake). But, as if this were possible, it gets worse than social media! You can enter your own virtual reality using ridiculous looking eye-pieces, remote controls, and headphones. I honestly cannot think of anything good that can come of this. Nothing. There’s no redeeming qualities. We’ve started down the path that leads to a complete abdication of real life, real thriving, real happiness, real flourishing. We’ve literally traded the truth for a lie (or cheap imitation, if you’d like).

Before I start ranting, let me ask: do you see what I’m getting at? Do you see your own tendency, and mine, to control everything and tailor it specifically to our own wants and needs? We don’t have to be loyal to anyone or anything because there’s literally thousands of other options and we can keep trying them all and we’ll never exhaust our options and we’ll never figure out what we’re looking for: something we can’t find by switching shampoo brands, or marriages.

Cue that U2 song from the early 2000s: and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Why? Why do more options lead to less satisfaction with ourselves and our lives, not more? What are we looking for, after all?

Spend some time this week thinking about that. What are you looking for? Are you actually committed or loyal to anything? Then join me next time- we’ll consider some answers and explore the tricky balance between a healthy loyalty and a corrosive one.