Blood on my hands

I really don’t have any patience for people talking about “Heroes” of the Bible. When someone brings this up, they usually want to walk through the “Hall of Faith” in Hebrews 11, as if the authors’ intent was to create some kind of museum. Or they want to talk about a specific set of stories and leave out some really important details. My favorite example of this is our buddy Gideon.

You’ll find his tale in the Book of Judges, the toilet bowl of Biblical literature. It’s the toilet bowl because it’s both bad and has a toilet-bowl-shaped plot- you’d draw a downward spiral if you did a plot diagram for the Book of Judges.. After yet another relapse into idolatry and forgetting about God, the people of Israel find themselves oppressed. According to the pattern, God raises up a leader to set them free from their oppressor, after which time they will worship and follow him again for a little while, until that leader dies and then they pretty much go back to the same stuff, different decade. 

We start with God giving Gideon a name, “valiant warrior,” and Gideon complaining to God about the oppression they’ve been facing. So, God tells Gideon that he ought to free Israel. “Go on and do something about it, I’m sending you.” To which Gideon gives the classic Biblical Hero response, “Oh! You were going to send me? You sure about that? Like, I’m too weak. I mean, I wanted you to send someone, but are we sure that I’m the right choice?” And God, being who he is, tells Gideon what he tells us all, “I will be with you”. And Gideon, like every single one of us, wonders if that will be enough. He asks God for a sign.

My problem with Gideon doesn’t really start until after this. Because God gives him a sign. And then another. And another. And Gideon still keeps doubting that God’s presence and commissioning will be enough. And I’ve heard more than one preacher exhort his congregation to have faith like Gideon.

Seriously? Gideon doesn’t seem to have any faith at all.

To sum up, Gideon ultimately does what God asks him to do. He trusts God eventually, but he drags his feet the whole way. He leads Israel’s army to a victory and frees the people from oppression, but he’s reluctant. And here’s the rub: Gideon is not the only “hero” to do this.

When I said that Gideon’s response to God is classic, I meant it. Moses says, after going back and forth with God and seeing signs, “But God!! I can’t talk good!” (Exodus 4:10) Another “hero” in the book of Judges, Barak, won’t listen to the word from the Lord and insists that Deborah (who was leading Israel at the time, a fact that fundamentalist Christians love to forget) come with him into the battle. As a result, another certified BAB, Jael, kills Sisera, the leader of the oppressing army by giving him some warm milk and driving a tent stake through his skull while he’s asleep. And what about Jonah? The prophet who preaches the world’s shortest sermon, after a brief diversion in the belly of a large fish due to his reluctance to preach said sermon and subsequent escape attempt, gets pissed off when the people of Nineveh ACTUALLY LISTEN.

I could go on. My point is this: there are no Biblical Heroes. Anybody who tells you otherwise is selling something. 

There are, though, no lack of humans in the Bible. I mentioned Moses. He is arguably the best leader Israel ever had. He’s compared to Jesus in the book of Hebrews and revered among Jewish people to this day. Truly, he honored God and he had great faith. But not only does he doubt God and try to get out of his commissioning at the burning bush incident, but he also gets frustrated in his leadership at a later point. The people are thirsty. It’s a desert, after all. And they start complaining. They are the Israelites fresh out of slavery in Egypt, after all. God tells Moses to speak to a rock so that water will come out of it. Moses, in anger and frustration, not just with the people, but with God, strikes the rock with his staff instead. Water comes out, the people’s thirst is slaked,  but Moses didn’t really trust God (Numbers 20:1-13). He sort of did, but he was tired of the whining and complaining. Maybe he was a little fed up with the program? Perhaps he didn’t like how God was handling things? Whatever the actual reason for his actions, we know that it was rooted in a lack of faith in God and, as a result, he never entered the Promised Land.

Another story. In the Book of 1 Samuel, Saul is the first king over Israel. The prophet who led the people and annointed Saul as king, Samuel, loves him and acts as his spiritual advisor. Saul is about to get into an important battle against an army much larger than Israel’s. The nation is being overrun and they are on the verge of defeat. Saul is nervous and he wants to make a sacrifice to God before he leads the army. Samuel agrees to meet Saul at an appointed place and time to offer the sacrifice to God, but Samuel is late. Saul is nervous. Saul trusts God, but he also wants to make sure this sacrifice gets done so that they can win the battle. His military leaders grow restless and begin deserting him. He grows impatient and takes matters into his own hands, performing the sacrifice. (1 Samuel 13)

I can see it so clearly in my mind: the prophet walking peacefully into town, ready to meet his friend and king to make a sacrifice and worship their God. It’s quiet.The fear and unrest are palpable, but Samuel is not worried- he trusts in God. I imagine a sunny day in late springtime with a light breeze in the trees and new grass in the fields. Suddenly, Samuel knows in his spirit that something isn’t right. He hears a commotion from the high place where he was to meet Saul and then, all of a sudden, he sees Saul coming down the hill with blood on his hands. 

“What have you done?” I can see the blood drain from Samuel’s face as it drips from Saul’s hands into the loose dust of the road. 

“We’re surrounded. You didn’t come when you said you would and the men were leaving me! I hadn’t asked God for his guidance and we needed to get going. So, I forced myself and made the offering.”

Samuel’s heart sinks. Then, his anger rises and he tells Saul that his kingship won’t be firm and sure, as a reign should be. He tells him that his son and grandson will not sit on the throne in due time. The kingdom will pass to another. And Saul will not have the favor of the Lord.

“I forced myself.”

Oh, God, how many times could this be said of me? How many times was I too impatient to wait for you? How many times did I panic when you delayed? How much blood is on my hands?

I’d like to think that there’s not that much, but we all know that that isn’t true. Despite my best intentions and areas of growth, there’s still blood on my hands. I’d wager that it’s true for you, too. Even with the best plans and the best spiritual advisors, the King of Israel ran out of patience. He had an idea about how things would go and he expected God to show up for him in that way. When he didn’t, Saul, like Moses and so many others before and after him, tried to fit God into his own plans and forced himself. He got blood on his hands.

I’m wildly encouraged by the way that God has shown up in my life recently. I’m excited for the things that I have planned and how I’m going to get to serve others. But these past few days have been hard. You could call it spiritual warfare or just life, sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. The truth is, though, that no matter what isn’t my fault, there is a lot that is.

I come across haughty when I’m just trying to encourage someone else. I try too hard to learn things and do things so that I can support my co-workers, but I just screw it up. I forget to lean in and care for my family because I’m too absorbed in the things that I have to get done. I’m more selfish than I’d like to admit, especially these days without 50 college students to care for. I fail to reach out to friends and family and make sure that I clearly communicate everything and let them know that I love them. I don’t want to spend my time waiting on God to heal me and give me the rest that he wants to give me.

I’ve forced myself for a lot of my life and there’s blood on my hands, whether I like it or not.

The good news for me, and for you too, is that Christ came to clean the blood from my hands. For all the ways that you and I and our contemporaries and ancestors have forced ourselves and made a mess of things, there is so much grace. When we didn’t mean to force ourselves and got blood on our hands, Christ came to cleanse us. When we knew exactly what we were doing and we got blood all over ourselves and everyone around us, Christ came to heal all the wounds of everyone involved. When we dropped the ball and just couldn’t keep up, Christ gently gave us a towel and made us white as snow.

It’s Advent, the season of waiting. I’ve always deeply related to the people of God in the Old Testament because they were waiting on God to send someone to rescue them. They had evidence of his power, love, commitment, and compassion towards them, but it wasn’t fully realized. They had to trust him and have faith. They had to wait. And so do we. We know that Christ has redeemed us and he’s restoring the whole world, but we aren’t there yet. There’s still a lot that’s broken. There’s still blood on our hands. He is coming soon, though. He promised. And he’s never made a promise that he didn’t keep.