Both Sides of Their Mouth
Have you ever seen someone talk out of both sides of their mouth? Once you see it, you won’t soon forget. It’s a phenomenon that many of us have experienced, but few have really seen.
It happened to me most recently when someone told me that I was great at my job, but it was only a fraction of my capacity. They encouraged me to go out and look for another job that would allow me to use all of my skills and experience to my full potential. And then they eliminated my position after I’d started searching for said job because they thought that was best for me- urgency and a rush to do something that generally takes time. A forceful lack of support when I needed it most and a leaving me to fend for myself and find a job that uses far less of my skill set, far less of my experience. I saw someone I trusted sit across the large conference table from me and talk out of both sides of their mouth.
Do you know what it looks like now? Have you seen it? Could you spot it in the wild?
Sometimes, it’s not just words. In fact, I most often see people talk out of both sides of their mouth when they’re only saying one thing. They talk out of the other side of their mouth by the way that they live. They don’t think anyone knows, don’t think anyone sees, don’t think anyone could possibly penetrate their layers and entanglements and webs of deceit. They tell you that they’d love to make your position full-time, in time, but never do anything about it. They say that they value women as equally made in God’s image, but won’t ever let you teach. They say that all lifestyles that are Biblically based and bathed in prayer are good and God-honoring, but give preferential treatment and reverence to those whose lives mirror their own.
It’s the talking sure, but it’s the not talking where you can really see things coming out of both sides of their mouth.
To some extent, we all do this, don’t we? We are contradictory creatures, we humans, and we can tolerate some level of cognitive dissonance. Especially if we can dissociate and forget that the way that we are living does not match up with the values that we profess with our mouths. We are all becoming something and, honestly, we often want to be something other than what we are. So, we wisely begin by saying who we want to be in hopes that we will actually become that person. We’ll start to believe that we are that person because we say we are that person and then, finally, we’ll act like that person and who we say that we are and who we actually are will come into agreement.
Words matter, but so do more than words. You cannot become a kinder person by merely calling yourself one. You have to do something. What you say to yourself and about yourself matters and you’re free to call yourself up from who you are, but it’s all empty if you don’t follow it up with actions. In his letter to followers of Jesus, James, the half-brother of Christ and leader of the church in Jerusalem, tells everyone that their faith without works is dead. He does not mean that your works save you. On the contrary, it is your faith in Christ that saves you, but, if you have been saved, then you will certainly do something about it. You cannot help it, you’ve become someone new. On the other hand, if you merely say that you have been saved, but you do not do anything about it, then you aren’t really saved at all. Your faith, and your words, are dead. You’re talking out of both sides of your mouth. Saying one thing, but doing another.
Some folks would rightly call what I’m describing hypocrisy. I’m from the south, though, and we like flowery language and beating around the bush. Thus, “talking out of both sides of your mouth”. It’s also a powerful image as you try to wrap your head around how silly it would look for a person to talk out of both sides of their mouth at once. I’d go so far as to say that it’s nearly impossible. And that’s part of the point, too. Human beings are deeply flawed and marred versions of what we were intended to be. We are still wondrous, beautiful, creative, and full of potential, but not nearly any of those things to the degree that we would have been, had the liar never deceived us. So, it really should be impossible to talk out of both sides of our mouths. But we do it all the time. To the ruin of us all.
When someone speaks to you out of both sides of their mouth, it’s more than a lie. It’s a deception wrapped in words, actions, and emotion. In order to successfully talk out of both sides of your mouth, you have to have some measure of trust from the person you’re talking to. You can lie to anybody and they may or may not ever find out, but you can’t talk out of both sides of your mouth unless someone trusts you. It’s worse than a lie. It’s a betrayal. When you’ve been duped like that, you start to question reality. You go back in time and revisit every conversation, interaction, and encounter and wonder what you missed. You wonder where it all went wrong. And, if the liar is particularly adept, you start to blame yourself. Because you could never blame them, that would ruin the illusion.
What’s for real, what’s for certain when someone talks out of both sides of their mouth? One thing and one thing only, my friends: you can’t believe anything that they say. There will always be a spin, always be a risk, always be a doubt because they’re talking out of both sides of their mouth. And it was never meant to be this way.
I hope that if you’ve been treated like this that you’ve walked away from the person or persons or system who did this to you. I hope that you’ve found healing and solace enough to start to put the pieces back together and see that it wasn’t your fault. And that you don’t have to be close to people who do this kind of thing, especially if they won’t take responsibility for it. I’ve rarely met this kind of liar who will admit, outright, that they did anything wrong. They’ll justify themselves. They’ll condemn you. They’ll even try to use the Holy words of God or some other sanctimonious person to justify what they’ve done. But they’ll never say sorry. And that’s why you don’t have to be close to them anymore. The relationship was broken and fractured and they don’t want to admit that they had any part in that, so walk away until they do.
I also hope that, if you’ve been treated this way, you’ve gotten better at spotting it. I hope that you’ve gotten some distance from the people and systems that lied to you so that you won’t let it happen again- to yourself or others. I hope that you can see when someone is talking out of both sides of their mouths, especially in religious settings, and call it what it is.
You know the phrase, “it takes one to know one”? I think this is true in some contexts, but in the context of lies and abuse, I can think of a better: it takes a victim to know a victimizer. Nobody can spot abusive people, systems, or relationships better than someone who has escaped prior abuse. And, therefore, there’s no one better equipped to warn others and call those people, systems, or relationships to account. Some of you may not be ready to hear that that’s the silver lining of your hellish experience, but it is. What is suffering for if it doesn’t equip us to serve and heal others? What’s the point of all this pain if it doesn’t make us stronger, more whole people? Why would a good God allow all the chaos to go on as it does if he didn’t have a purpose in it? And, by the way, I don’t think this is all that pain and suffering do, but it is some of what they do and having part of an answer is better than having no answer at all. Don’t you think?
When I think back on my most recent experience, which spans over ten years, I think that there was both good and bad. I think that I was horribly abused, misunderstood, mistreated, lied to, dishonored, disrespected, gossipped about, left out, and overlooked. But so was Jesus. So was Jesus. His work was far more important and perfect than mine was and he was treated worse than I’ve been treated. Therefore, doesn’t it stand to reason that my pain and suffering accomplished something, even if it wasn’t as great as that accomplished by my Savior? Doesn’t it stand to reason that I saw the kingdom grow and I saw lives changed and I know people and the world are more like Christ and his Kingdom because I endured the pain and abuse? And, if that’s true, then I’m certainly not done. I don’t know what is next, but there’s no way I could be done.
If it takes a victim to know a victimizer, then I’ve got to stand up. For the sake of all of you that I love and those that I love whom I have yet to meet, I’ve got to stand up and speak up and shout it out loud when I see you being wronged. I’ve got to tell you about the lies and the liars and the talkers out of both sides of their mouth. So, I will. And they better watch out because I’m tired of pulling punches.