This is why I run so much

“But getting rid of evil does not make people good” -Eugene Peterson, Run with the Horses

I’m coming in hot today.
When I grew up, being a good person had a lot to do with doing the right things. There was some focus on the formation of the inner person, but a lot of focus on how one presented oneself. Even if your intentions were good and if there was no evil in your heart when you did something or said something, you could still be wrong if it came off the wrong way. You could still be at fault if someone misinterpreted your words or actions. It was a pretty anxious way to live. Allow me to illustrate with my favorite example.

“Modest is hottest”. Ever heard that one before? If you have, I’m really sorry and this is a safe space for you. I hope, after the next few minutes, you feel less crazy. If you’ve said that one before and still think it’s true, I hope you’re wildly offended by what I have to say.

I’m a runner. I’ve been running consistently since about the third grade, which was my first exposure to cross country and long distance running. At the time, it was only about one mile at a go, but that’s far for an eight-year-old! Running is the most consistent thing in my life, apart from my relationship with Christ. No matter what the season or the reason, I’ve found solace, healing, peace, and wellness while my legs are in motion. I like running better than any other exercise I’ve ever participated in. However, I don’t exactly have a runner’s body. I’m a normal-sized person and that means that I’ve got thighs. Beautiful, blessed, and bouncy thighs that rub together on a hot summer’s day, causing bloody torment and rashes that burn when I shower. As I matured into a fully grown woman, the chafing when I would run became almost unbearable. My thighs started eating my shorts and making me uncomfortable. So, I did what any rational person would do and I went looking for a solution. What did I find? God’s gift to normal women who like to run and not bleed: stretchy pants! I’ve been running in leggings or biker shorts for over ten years now and I’ve never looked back.

But some people have. 

In the world of “modest is hottest”, I would be blacklisted for such a fashion choice. I would be lambasted and shamed and how-dare-you-ed to death. Not only would these things have happened to me, they did happen to me and plenty of others. Why? Because, by wearing skin tight pants that enable me to do something good for me (and, as a side note not MURDER anyone going around saying, “modest is hottest”), I’m causing someone else to “stumble”. In short, because men can’t control their eyes or their minds, I am to blame. Because, when I wear something both comfortable and functional, I am a problem for someone else. It doesn’t matter that I’m not trying to show off my body. It doesn’t matter that I’m just trying to enjoy my run. It doesn’t matter that I don’t care what they think and that I don’t want them to look at me. They’re looking. And thinking. And imagining. And that’s my fault. Because, you know, if I didn’t have the audacity to exist and take up space, then they wouldn’t have any reason to think inappropriately about my body. Mine. Not theirs. 

I’m not even going to tell the modesty police that now, in my 30s, I run around in a mere sports bra and stretchy pants on hot days. That would give them a coronary and I’m not really interested in that kind of drama.

There’s literally so much to unpack in this example and my thoughts pertaining to it that we might go down the fundamentalist Christian rabbit hole for a few weeks. Stick with me. I promise I’ll keep it deeply ironic and to the point.

We’ll start with what I hope is the most glaring inconsistency in this mindset. I, the woman, am not only responsible for myself and my clothing choices, but also how others will view them. I’m not only responsible for thinking through why I’m doing what I’m doing and how I’m going to do it and seeking the heart of God, but I’m also responsible for the lack of accountability on the part of every man who will see me that day. Did you catch that? I’m responsible for someone else. Good grief get these fundies a copy of Boundaries. My choices and my actions do have an impact on those around me, of course, “no man is an island”. But to tell me that I need to change what I’m doing in response to something that is 100% the problem and responsibility of someone else (i.e. their thought life) is not only absurd, it’s abusive. And it does not contribute to the formation of the inner person. It contributes to behavior modification. And blame shifting. And avoidance. And it certainly doesn’t cultivate self-control, the fruit of the Spirit that these people claim to be indwelt with.

The other problem with this mindset is that it objectifies and oppresses women. Honestly, I’m not surprised given the misogynistic worldview that is ubiquitous in fundamentalist Christian communities, but since we’re here and I’m ranting, let’s talk about it. If the number one problem that you have with a woman is the kind of clothing that she’s wearing, you’re the problem. You seriously have not worked on your own spiritual formation enough to see people as people and not objects for sexualizing? If you really saw women as equal image-bearers of God, why would you care how they dressed? Why would that be one of the first if not the first thing that you call to mind when you think about them? AND- you trap them in your logic that we discussed above which is overwhelming and confusing and they feel tired and like they can’t win and then they can’t think straight or make good decisions or have the mental space to do much and so you say they aren’t fit to do anything but to stay at home and have babies. And because every woman in your community is brainwashed into this mindset from an early age, you use that as evidence to back up your erroneous claim that this is God’s design for women.

Now y’all know why I run so much.

Before I dive so deep into the rabbit hole that we’ll never get out again, let’s zoom out and take a look at the larger problem illustrated by this microcosm. Namely: “getting rid of evil does not make people good”. For the sake of argument, let’s say my stretchy pants are evil. Getting rid of my stretchy pants doesn’t make the men who look at me with lust in their hearts good. It eliminates an opportunity for objectification and temptation, but it doesn’t make them or me, for that matter, good. It eliminates a problem with their thought life, but it also eliminates the opportunity to learn self-control and to truly master their impulses towards lust. Listen, you can dress up a Christian community to never cuss, smoke, drink, dance, or whatever you like. You can modify your behavior to the point that you never say an unkind word to anyone you come across and you always follow the speed limit. Insert whatever you think makes you a good person here, even if it’s Biblical. Because, frankly, it doesn’t matter what you do (or don’t do). “Getting rid of evil does not make people good”.

When I left Radford, I had a lot of time to think. I’m still thinking. One of the things that comes up in my mind over and over again is that I always kind of felt like a red-headed step-child. For those of you not from the south: an outsider, someone who just doesn’t quite fit in and, actually, really kind of sticks out. There were many reasons for this, but one of them was that I don’t really present well. It’s been called a lack of professionalism, but I don’t think that’s exactly it. It’s really a lack of desire to fake my way through life. I am who I am, for better or worse, and I won’t clean that up or mask it for anybody. Honestly, for all my flaws, my track record with people is pretty good because, believe it or not, people like it when what they see is what they get. 

But not all Christians agree. Especially not Evangelical Christians. For reasons I’ll write about later, Evangelical Christians are obsessed with controlling their image because they think that people will misunderstand the Gospel if they aren’t presenting well. Notice that I didn’t say, “if they aren’t presenting the Gospel well”. I said, “if they aren’t presenting well”. As in, they think that people will misunderstand the Gospel if they don’t present themselves well, if they don’t look the part. No one is perfect, but some evangelical Christians are honestly close, in their own minds. They only said “shit” that one time like fifteen years ago, so even they have flaws, you know.

I didn’t fit in in Young Life or the church I was a part of for so long because I refuse to modify my behavior just to look good. If my behavior changes as a result of the work of the Holy Spirit and inner formation, then praise God. But if you think my behavior is going to change because you told me that someone might “stumble” as a result of how I’m living honestly and humbly before the Lord, then you are outside of your mind and in the wrong area code. Do not try that with me. You’ll fail.

And, even though this has gotten me into trouble, I’d rather have this problem than the other. I’d rather be rough around the edges and approachable to people who have had a hard and unfair life than to look the part of a good pastor. I’d rather be true to myself, warts and all, than lie and talk out of both sides of my mouth and, ultimately, cause those who trust me a tremendous amount of unnecessary and avoidable pain. I’m just really not interested in getting rid of evil for the sake of looking good. I’m really interested in banishing evil to hell, once and for all. And that isn’t easy. You’re going to need more than a suit and tie and a stop-cussing plan to make that happen.

The roots of a problem matter. The inner life of a person matters. What you do and how you live is important, but not nearly as important as why. 

The book that I’ve quoted above is about the life of the prophet Jeremiah, who is honestly my favorite. He’s super reluctant to be a prophet and he lives through the slow decline of the nation of Israel. He lives through the reign of good kings and bad kings, but his message never changes. He gets super depressed and wants to give up or die, but he keeps doing what God has told him to do. I relate on a soul-level to Jeremiah. 

I’ll leave you, for now, with a quote from Jeremiah from the Message translation of the Bible (which was done by Eugene Peterson, who also wrote the book that precipitated this post).

“Don’t for a minute believe the lies being spoken here- This is God’s Temple! God’s Temple! God’s Temple!”

The implication? Y’all saying this is God’s Temple, but it ain’t.