Supposed To

I remember being in the first grade and learning how to read. Sometimes words that you don’t know how to spell take on a life of their own in your mind. Sometimes prideful little girls internally make fun of other kids when this happens. For some reason, I was in another teacher’s class for the afternoon. Ours must have left and we didn’t have a sub. I don’t remember anything else about the day except that I was standing in line to ask the teacher a question and a kid in front of me asked her, “How do you spell s’ppostoo?” I remember thinking this kid was an idiot because “supposed to” is two words and not one.

I have no idea why I knew, at the ripe age of six-and-a-half, that “supposed to” was two words. When was the first time that you heard the phrase? I can’t remember, but it must have been early on. This makes sense. I came to the realization recently that most, if not all, of what I do is motivated by shame. There’s the nagging worry in the back of my mind of what will happen if I do or do not do certain things. I’m worried about others getting angry at me and if they will misunderstand me. I’m terrified of walking into new workplaces or social settings without being able to observe for a little while. I need to know what I’m supposed to do at all times to avoid being ashamed of myself.

I wonder how many of us have lived our lives with Christ in the realm of “s’ppostoo”? How many of us have lived our lives with Christ in a confused and convoluted way? How many of us are walking around thinking that we are doing the right things, but actually, we don’t even have the spelling right? Let me explain.

In my own experience with churches, I’ve run across my fair share of “s’ppostoos”. Most of them have to do with women and what we are NOT “s’ppostoo” do, be, say, feel, or think. Some church cultures are equal opportunity shamers making basically everyone feel like they’re not good enough because they haven’t read the latest book by so-and-so or they don’t listen to *gag* SpiritFM. There’s even some shaming in progressive Christian circles reserved for those who still want to consider the merit of authentic Biblical lifestyles. You’re not “s’ppostoo” wrestle with the potential veracity of a more conservative doctrine. 

But I digress.

Some of us have been around long enough to ignore the “s’ppostoos”. Some of us, like my husband, literally don’t care what you think he’s “s’ppostoo” do. Some of us have been maimed and injured by the “s’ppostoos”. And some of us are blind to them. Mostly because they serve us well and we don’t realize that everyone around us is just like us and everyone who isn’t has left our particular circle. Because they couldn’t live up to the “s’ppostoos”.

But there are also those of us who are blind to the “s’ppostoos” because we don’t think they’re “s’ppostoos” at all. We think they are “supposed tos”; as in, we don’t see them as arbitrary rules and prescripts setup for our destruction. We think that they are the way to follow Jesus, the path to life. 

But they aren’t. “S’ppostoos” are just counterfeit “supposed tos” and they’ll burn you out quicker than a dried up Christmas tree. (Speaking from personal experience, back up, you don’t want to get singed.)

Who are you trying to be? Is it who God asked you to be?

What are you trying to do? Is it what God asked you to do?

Or are you living out somebody else’s “s’ppostoo”? 

One of the biggest problems that I have with evangelicalism is the prescriptive lifestyle they proclaim. In their actions and sometimes in their words, they more or less say that their lifestyle is the one best way to follow Jesus. Anything that deviates from this way might be permissible or even good, but it won’t be best. It would be a hardship if your family’s circumstances didn’t allow you to live out God’s best and they would pity you. You would be foolish to choose to live another lifestyle, “Don’t you want God’s best? This is the way we are ‘s’ppostoo’ live!” Where in the Sam Hill they got that idea, I don’t know. And, honestly, it doesn’t seem like something that would come from a safe neighborhood, so I don’t want to find out.

But when young, eager, beautiful new Christians walk into an evangelical culture, the things that evangelicals say and the way that they live is all very attractive. Everyone looks happy and filled with joy to be living the way that they are. Everyone seems to be filled with the Holy Spirit and following God’s will for their life. The exact same will. For every person present. Of course, there are always a few outliers who are grandfathered in so that they can be tokenized. A new Christian gets really excited about all of this. After all, the way in which these people are living is not wrong. It’s not bad. It’s actually a good and holy way to live. It’s just not the “best” or what everyone should do.

But the new Christian doesn’t know that. They’re taken in hook, line, and sinker until things start to go wrong. Maybe it’s that they can’t stop that one addictive or destructive habit. Maybe it’s that they can’t seem to find someone to marry. Maybe they find someone to marry, but it turns out that marriage is really hard and maybe they shouldn’t have gotten married, at least not so soon or maybe not to that person. Maybe their marriage is alright, but they can’t have any kids. Maybe their spouse has an affair. Maybe they have an affair. Maybe they can have kids, but they can’t afford to homeschool and their kids have to go to public school.

The wheels come off. They try to keep it going for awhile and keep smiling, keep saying they’re blessed, keep looking on the bright side, keep doing what they’re “s’ppostoo”. Do more. Try harder. Burn out.

Maybe it’s not just them? Maybe it’s you?

And you don’t have to have been a young, eager, beautiful Christian to have gotten sucked in and burnt out. I got sucked into this hot mess after I’d been walking with Jesus for almost ten years. 

The lies of the enemy are always subtle. They always contain an element of truth. When Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness, he used Scripture to do it. 

If you’re feeling burnt out with Christianity or ministry, I want you to know that you’re not alone. If I could sit with you in my dearly departed couch room, I’d make you some coffee and some chocolate chip cookies and I’d tell you that there is, in fact, another way. I’d tell you that any version of any spirituality that leaves you burnt out isn’t worth your time. I’d tell you that you’re not crazy - it’s not supposed to be this way. Jesus meant you for something far greater and far better.

And then I’d probably ask you, “Who told you that? Who told you that that was what you were supposed to do?” Because what they’ve told you sounds an awful lot like “s’ppostoo”.

By the grace of God, I’m not nearly as judgemental as I was in that first grade classroom in 1996. I’m a little bit more aggressive, but that’s turned out for the best. When I hear someone talking about “s’ppostoos” I don’t think they’re stupid. I wonder, first, who told them all of that. Then, if it seems like they’re telling it to others, I get really sad. I wonder how many more folks will have to burn out on a false gospel? How many more people will walk away from church and walk away from Jesus because they can’t do what they are “s’ppostoo”? 

The true tragedy is that, if they walk away, they will never know what they are supposed to do, at all.